out...

Sorry to let all you faithful fans down, but I haven't been in the mood to post lately. I'm in a few fights right now.

I'm fighting with the whole idea of the internet. It has been making me feel really dilluted lately. All of my attention can get spread around so much and get so thin that it's practically no attention at all. I end up not giving any good, quality attention to anything. Including my job. At the end of a long day of internet perusal I often feel distracted and unable to focus on anything of significance. I feel drained physically and emotionally. I think I feel exhausted physically because everything is always so exciting on the internet. Everything has to be portrayed in a way that will grab my attention. Consequently, I sit on the edge of my chair, leaning forward, clutching the mouse and trying to take it all in. Jeez, eight hours of that can wear anyone out. I wish management would just say, "No more internet surfing during work." Well, no I don't. But I wish they would. But I'm glad they won't.

I'm fighting with my own opinions and thoughts. Everything is really confusing and I don't know any more than anyone else what I actually think about things. And I always feel a need to write some stunning, insightful blog entry. I just can't keep it up. Besides, most of my opinions fall apart under close scrutiny. It doesn't even have to be external scrutiny. I can rip up my opinions and beliefs as well as anyone else could.

I'm fighting with my dreams. I can probably count on my fingers the number of dreams I've remembered after waking up. Until about two weeks ago. All of a sudden I've started remembering my dreams, and I don't like it. I worry a lot. I over-analyze and completely mangle anything that could have been innocently enjoyable. And so that's what my dreams are about. I dream about the things I worry about and then it ruins my days. It's funny how the feelings you experience in a dream can easily carry over into your real life. Not funny. Annoying. They're just dreams!

I'm fighting with my emotions. I just finished "Crossing to Safety" by Wallace Stegner. It was great. He created these life-like characters that I could easily identify with. He presented this average, every day story about those people. Harmless, right? No. He ripped me up at the end. Broke my little heart, and I sat here writing to Nikki about how I was feeling and tried not to start crying out loud. It was so real. And reality is rough. So, I hate my emotions. They just irritate me.

That's all I have to write about. I started this really interesting post about morality and how it's relative and how I, in the end, set up my own code of ethics and determine for myself what is right and wrong. But I didn't like what I was coming up with, and it was so generic. So you get this. Now I'll watch my readership plummet because all I do here is gush. I should be ashamed.

But I'm not. Completely shameless. I don't care what anybody thinks about me and I certainly don't ever feel vulnerable.

I'm off to call Wells Fargo. They better have good news about my student loan. If they don't, it'll probably be the straw that will break my back. I mean this completely literally.