simplicity...

I'd known Nikki for about a month when she bought me Crossing to Safety. It's by Wallace Stegner, one of her favorite authors, and she bought it for me at a used bookstore when she was living in Sugarhouse. At the moment I was in the middle of Crime and Punishment and also in the middle of a very exciting and time-consuming relationship with this girl. I dutifully started reading the book, and was impressed. I liked the writing and the way the characters were slowly and vividly developed. It didn't take long, however, before I had neglected it too much to continue reading. I slowly finished Crime and Punishment (I'm ashamed to say it took me about 7 or 8 months.... I'm sorry), I moved to Salt Lake to be closer to Nikki, we got married, and my life kind of slowed down.

We have more time to read lately, and I've finished a couple more books since Crime and Punishment. Last night I pulled out Crossing to Safety and this morning, here at work, I started over. I decided that I would be wisest to start from the beginning. I'm impressed again. I'm going to love it.

I think that I'm a little bit like Larry, the main character, with the exception of my occasional lack of patience. Actually, I don't know if I'm like Larry at all outside of some of the things that he notices about friendship. Maybe I'm nothing like Larry, but the way that Stegner brings him to life I can't help but feel that I have something in common with him.

Larry is just starting out as a young English professor. He and his wife, Sally, move to a new city. They are alone and begin to make acquaintances with many of the other professors and their wives. Larry seems skeptical at first about the people he meets, and several times reflects on his ability to accept these people as new friends. His whole point is that he feels very simple because he befriends those who first show an interest in him. I'm much the same, and maybe all people are. But I think that some make friends much easier than others.

"Is that the basis of friendship? Is it as reactive as that? Do we respond only to people who seem to find us interesting? Was our friendship... born out of simple gratitude...?"

Later on at a party he meets another older lady and says, "I liked her. (She flattered me.)"

I'm not one who loves to go out and find new friends. I generally take my relationships very seriously and if I find them to be even a little bit insignificant I have a tendency to let them fall away. If I feel like a person doesn't want to put forth effort to be close to me I often distance myself so as not to feel rejected or abandoned. Few people (even fewer peers) live up to my expectations of what a friend should be. This is not to say that I'm a cold person. I think lots of people like me and find me to be good company, if I want to be.

The problem is that I don't let people close unless they show an interest in me. So, there must be two groups of people. Those who wait for people to be interested in them before they open up, and those who are interested in those people. If everybody was in the first camp we'd all be pretty much alone, I guess. I'm formulating this idea as I go along. I apologize for the bumpy ride.

Nikki is one of the people who is interested. People like me open up to her because she shows genuine interest in us. She doesn't wait for people to be her friend first, she goes out and finds them. If she loses touch with somebody she is always anxious to re-establish contact. I'm different.

If I lose contact with somebody I assume it's because I no longer hold their interest. Rather than run the risk of feeling abandoned I let them slip to the back of my mind. I replace them with renewed enthusiasm for my current significant relationships. Likewise, if I'm introduced to somebody that I'm expected to get along great with, and they fail to show an interest in me, then I have a really hard time getting excited about this prospective friend. I don't put forth effort like Nikki would.

I may be somewhat selfish with my attention and friendship, but I'm not too proud to change my mind about somebody. I have been introduced to people who at first seemed uninterested or even bored with me. I can be very boring. And later, having discovered that they do indeed want to know me, have accepted them as a friend. Without Nikki these friends would inevitably slip away and out of sight.

So anyway, that's all. Probably a somewhat confusing entry, but it was interesting and somewhat insightful for me to write. I must say that I feel absurdly self-interested and simple. It's strange how it feels to strip away complexities that aren't really there.