tactics...

Two weeks from today I will be following through with a huge decision I made several months ago. It's one of those life-changing decisions that will forever alter my future. Funny how it has crept up like this.

It's really amazing how everybody experiences reality in a different way. I often think that it's kind of like the cliche about the tree falling in the forest. Will it make a sound? If I wasn't here to experience my cubicle, would it still be a reality? I mean if NOBODY was around, what would be going on? Anything? I don't know. It kind of boggles the ol' mind. I've had several people tell me that I should see The Matrix. The big turn-off to me about this movie is the cover. It looks totally stupid. Like the Terminator or something. Is that movie stupid? I don't know. I haven't seen it for the same reasons.

I trust the cover so much because for a couple of years during my youth I had a habit of buying bargain-bin CD's based solely on the cover. The place I would buy them had a little portable CD player so you could listen to used CD's before buying them, but I never did. It was risky. My susbstitute for cocaine or motorcycle racing. I actually found some pretty decent stuff that way. A band called Kicking Harold and another called The Acrobats (no link, sorry) are two that come to mind.

So, maybe I should see that movie. I might find it really interesting. Maybe I'll see what I can do about watching it next week.

Anyway, I'm kind of nervous about this wedding. Not nervous in that I don't want to do it or that I think it's a bad idea. Just nervous knowing that it IS going to happen and that it IS a big deal. I'm just understanding the gravity of it all as it comes closer. Nicole is kind of nervous in the same way too. I know it. She hasn't told me, I don't think, but I can tell. It's in comments. Fears and concerns vocalized. Subtleties.

But she deals with it differently than I do. We definitely have two independant realities. Each tends to be very similar to the other, but they are each distinct. It's a VERY sensitive subject these days for both of us, and we deal with it differently. I tend to over-compensate and I smother her with gushy sap. She tends to be more withdrawn and pensive. If I call her on it she's quick to reassure me that she knows what she's doing and is sure that she wants to. It helps. But because her way of coping is different than mine it's easy for me to misunderstand, which only makes my concern and worry increase.

But I love it. I feel alive and I feel like my life is moving along. It's nerve-wracking, but I also feel secure. She's really great.

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After talking to Nikki a little bit about this post, I think that I decided that anxious is genrerally a more applicable word in this blog. Nervous just wasn't sitting right, because it implies a certain amount of unsurity.